Stupid Thyroid

During this time, I also had to battle a problem that arose during my pregnancy. Through a routine exam my family practice doctor thought my neck looked slightly enlarged. He ordered thyroid blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound came back showing a multi nodular goiter. In other words my thyroid was enlarged and had growths all over it. A thyroid biopsy was ordered. It came back showing nondescript atypical cells. This means they don't know for sure if there is cancer or not. There is quite a family history of thyroid problems coming from both sides of my family but as far as I new no hereditary link to cancer. I saw a specialist during my pregnancy and he said to wait till I had Gracie to tackle the thyroid problems. I remember him saying that the chances of it being cancerous were very small and that he would "bet me some fries" it wasn't cancer. We had a followup when Gracie was just a couple months old and some of my levels had elevated which was a little concerning but he still didn't think it was cancer. He said there was a 2% chance it was cancer. He recommended I have my thyroid removed because I would have to monitor it yearly because of the atypical cells and it might just be better to get it out. He sent me to a surgeon. The surgeon also didn't think it was cancerous. He said if I was his daughter he would recommend she just get it out so that she didn't have to worry about it. Since our out of pocket maximum was reached for the year and both doctors were recommending we get it out, we decided to do it. In order to get it removed before our insurance rolled over we had to do it while Gracie was just a newborn. The surgery required an overnight stay and I couldn't nurse her for 24 hours because of the anesthesia. Being in the emotional state that I was in, this seemed like too much to handle. I had so many second thoughts. I called my mom and few days before thinking maybe of just biting the bullet and paying our out of pocket maximum and second time to delay the surgery and not have to worry about it right then. I even had the surgeon call me on his day off to ask more questions because I was seriously thinking of backing out. I was pumping every chance I got and Brian was practicing a bottle with Gracie, which she took like a champ. Michelle was kind enough to be willing to watch an extremely fussy newborn for the day of my surgery and Brian had to spend a night with a super fussy newborn. That ended up being an adventure because Gracie wasn't used to waiting for a bottle to warm up in the middle of the night so there was quite the dramatics on her part. The surgery went well. He took all my thyroid out because it looked horrible. Something about my thyroid made the chances of it being cancerous go up to about 10%. I remember thinking how horrible it would be if it were cancerous, but in the back of my mind I was convinced it wasn't. I didn't fit the profile. I didn't have the family history. It was also during this time that I found out that it was cancer. Whaaaat!?! Stupid. I'm still mad about it. It was spread all throughout my thyroid. Who knows how long its been there. Thankfully its an extremely curable type of cancer. Because they cant get every piece of thyroid out with a thyroidectomy they have to leave some tissues attached. If it ends up being cancer then you have to do radiation to kill off anything remaining. Problem is that while you are doing radiation you are literally radioactive and you can't be around anyone...especially children...especially especially babies. Extra stupid. By some miracle, my doctor was super understanding about my desire to nurse Gracie and said that it would be okay for me to nurse her a while before doing the radiation. How long I will nurse her is still up in the air. I will be getting tests soon that will give us a better idea and I will also be seeing the specialist again to ask more questions and nail down how long will be acceptable. I, of course, want to nurse her as long as possible. I'm an emotional nurser. :) I feel such a bond with my babies when I nurse them and it's hard for me to stop. I feel jipped that stupid cancer is going to cut it short. I am so so grateful for my doctor allowing me to do it as long as possible. There was a time when we thought I may have to stop right away. So I AM grateful to still be doing it but feel bitter about the added stress that this has added on a time when I am trying to do nothing by enjoy little Gracie. I nursed Meg and Adin till they were 15 months. By that time they were only nursing maybe once a night and not at all in the day, but I was still technically nursing them. I am positive I would have done the same with Grace but definitely wont be able to go that long. I'm trying to focus on gratitude for doing it as long as I will get to but I am fighting off bitterness over those months that I will lose. This will have to be an ongoing topic as we're still right smack dab in the middle of this mess. :*(